The Shepherd Press Blog

Talking to Joshua

In a recent post I described a stressed mom talking to her son, Joshua. This mother was correcting Joshua for complaining. and it was essential that his mom give him both correction and direction. Let's take another look at that example and consider in detail how a mom could respond more helpfully.

For this illustration we will assume that remedial verbal discipline was the appropriate response. Just saying that phrase—remedial verbal discipline—sounds heavy and confrontational, invoking memories of lectures and sharp tones. Correcting Joshua about complaining was not a pleasant task, but one of heaviness and duty. Complaining is not good; it is not trusting God, and it is not making Mom’s life any easier. The other siblings heard Josh’s complaints and Mom was sure the entire household would soon shift into complaint mode. Mom feared that this season of complaining might last for several years so she knew she had to take decisive action! So she said these words:

Joshua, you know the Bible says in Philippians 2 that you must not complain about doing what Mommy asks you to do. Now, stop your complaining and get to work. Remember, children should obey their parents. I don’t want to hear any more complaining! Is that clear?

Confident that she has firmly and biblically addressed the matter, Mom heads on to the next thing. From the comments the blog received about this post, it is clear that readers want to know how to talk to Joshua in a way that will correct the complaining effectively, but at the same time, encourage him. Based upon the words used above, it is safe to assume that the “word of God” is not bringing much light to Joshua’s eyes. Why is there a disconnect? How do you, as a parent, help your child make the connection successfully?

First, let’s take a big step back and gain some perspective. Is Joshua’s presence in the family the product of a random series of events? The answer is no, obviously, this family is not the result of  random occurrences. He is here, in this particular home, because that is what God planned and accomplished. Ephesians 6:4 commands that this boy be raised in the fear and admonition of the Lord. So there is nothing random about following God’s direction. However, even in homes with the best of intentions and biblical resources, powerful forces conspire against parents and children to make following God’s direction anything but easy. Sin blinds judgment and corrupts the flesh. The world is cursed and at war with the Christian home. Life is difficult and challenging. It is demanding and draining. But, you see, God has determined that he will use the challenges of raising children to drive parents to Christ. Because it is not easy we are forced to turn to Christ, the good Shepherd. What a blessing for us!

Once this perspective has been gained (or regained), it is vital to realize that God has given us everything needed for life and godliness in his precious Word. You need God’s Word. It is designed and inspired by God and illumined by his Spirit to precisely meet the need in every situation. But that is not the same as learning formulas to simply plug into behavioral problems as they occur. The Bible is first of all about relationship. So, as you have heard and known, simply changing behavior is not the focus; building a heart relationship with Jesus Christ is the focus. This is true for both parent and child. You do not want to bring your children to where you are; you want to take them to where you are going—the cross!

Okay, back to world of Joshua, complaints, schedules and struggles. What I am about to say may seem idealistic. I assure you, it is not. It is possible. I have seen this in my own life and in the lives of parents I have had the privilege of knowing for the last 30 years.

Joshua has been complaining . At first it was so infrequent that it was easy to miss, but it has started to become a pattern. Mom has seen this. She and her husband have talked about this and have been praying and planning and preparing to address this pattern. They know that a complaining spirit is most basically a complaint against God, rather than against them. They know that pleasant words promote instruction (Proverbs 16:20-24). So she is prepared for the moment when Joshua complains about having to clean up in the living room. In a warm and understanding tone, she says,

Josh, come over here and sit down with me for a minute. You've been having kind of a tough time lately, haven’t you? Having to pick up for company tonight seems just like one more hard, boring thing to do, doesn't it?

Josh, somewhat taken aback, but glad to be understood, nods his head tentatively.

I have been talking with Dad, and we noticed that you have been kind of down since your friend David’s family moved away. Has that been kind of hard for you?

Again Josh nods his head, and his eyes are just a bit moist.

Oh, Josh, I know it's really hard to have your best friend move away. I know you miss him, and it makes you sad. Lots of sad things happen in this fallen, sinful world. But you know who else knows it's hard? That’s right, God knows. When Jesus became a man, he left his own home—heaven—so he could be here to help us. That must have been really hard for him, but he did it because he wanted to fix the whole problem of sin. And then, he had friends here, but they weren't always very good friends to him. They let him down a lot of the time. Jesus was probably tempted to feel lonely a lot of times. So he knows, and he wants you to trust him. He will bring another friend for you at the right time. Did God know that David’s family would move? That’s right, he planned it that way! So right now, God wants you to be friends with your family, and even more, with God himself. God wants you to trust Jesus to be your friend. We can talk more about that later, but for now, let me read a couple of Bible verses to you.

Do all things without grumbling or questioning, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, ¹⁶holding fast to the word of life, ….

I think that Dad is going to talk about these verses in family worship tonight. But I thought I would give you a head start thinking about them. God doesn't want you to complain or grumble even when—or especially when—things are difficult. God wants you to know him and his Word so that you will be comforted when things are hard. Lots of difficult things will happen to you in this life, and having David move is one of them. But God wants you to know that he is able to help you now. Remember, God planned for David to move. Now, does God do bad things? No, you know he doesn’t.  Even when it seems bad, like this, you can trust that it's not bad, even though it's really hard.

God has something special for you to learn right now, to help you be more grown up. One important lesson of growing up is that we have to keep doing our responsibilities even when things are hard and we don't want to do them. God wants you to be so different from the world around you, different from people who don't love God, that you are actually kind of like a light. No, silly, I'm not talking about putting a light on your head! I'm talking about your attitude—about being thankful that God is taking caring of you—so that you are like a bright light of joy and contentment, even when things are hard, like now.

Now, about picking things up in here. Is it helpful to complain about doing this? I know you don’t feel like doing it. It's okay to be sad about David moving, but it's not okay to complain. Complaining is really saying that you don't want to accept what God decided, isn’t it? You want what YOU want, and you're kind of angry that you can't have David here. Is that a good attitude? No, we should accept what God does and trust that his way is always best. So how does God want you to respond now? Right, he wants you to respond with a willing attitude, and to be happy  that you can help mom get ready for tonight. What you are really doing is putting God first before your feelings, and THAT is a big deal! Come on, let’s pray for God's help, and then get started.

This mother is taking time to understand her son. (In the actual event, there would probably be more back-and-forth interaction, and the conversation might take quite a bit longer; good  parenting requires a major time investment!) I realize that every situation of discipline may not have this much background, but always remember—missing issues that are causing pain or unsettledness in our children will lead to more difficult times. And, always having the "right" rebuke will provoke anger if the instruction is not given with kindness and compassion. You know the command, "Love your neighbor as yourself."  Before you deliver correction to your child, pause to ask yourself what words and attitude would most effectively encourage you to please God, if you were in your child's place.

Take some time to think about this exchange and how Josh’s mom handled it this time. Ask some questions. We will get back to this in the next post.

Trouble with Grandparents

Despite your best efforts, there are times when things don’t appear to go well. You attempt to be encouraging, but your words are received cynically.  You back off from communication to ease tensions, and you are perceived as being aloof. Whatever you do is taken to be the opposite of what you intended. Such scenarios sometimes occur with grandparents.  Because your children's grandparents are also your parents or parents-in-law, these tensions may have existed for years. You believe that giving up is not an option, but that is the only thing you are certain about. So what do you do?

Thankfully, biblical principles are available about conducting relationships. You cannot control what your parents do or say, but by God’s grace you can control what you say and do. Don’t be discouraged, and don't give up hope. Because these principles are biblical, they apply to any form of relational breakdown, but I believe they are particularly helpful in dealing with grandparent issues.

James 1:19-20  — "Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." Make sure that you take the time to listen and understand a difficult situation, especially if there is a history involved. It is too easy to assume you know what will be said and begin to act on the basis of your assumptions, before you actually hear what is said and know what was meant. Proverbs 18:13 applies here as well.

Ephesians 4:29 – Be careful to say only what is helpful to your listeners (your parents). Your goal is to build them up by your words, not to get even.

Proverbs 15:1 – The value of a soft answer; if you reply to cynicism with cynicism, or to harsh words with more of the same, you will only continue to stir the emotional pot.

I Corinthians 13:7 – Love always hopes and thinks the best. Admittedly, this is a demanding text, but it is God's direction. If there have been past conflicts, thinking the best may appear foolish and naive. This is when you must focus on trusting God in obedience.

Proverbs 16:20-24 – Pleasant words promote instruction. In this case pleasant words will promote your intentions of honor and respect. This concept is closely connected to Proverbs 15:1 (above).

Romans 12:17-21 – Return good for evil. This is important. Even if you think actions were done to hurt you or teach you a lesson, God's direction is clear. God wants you to follow him and return good for evil.

Ephesians 6:1 – Respond with honor and respect. Even if grandparents are clearly in the wrong, you must still respond with honor toward them.

As you meditate on these principles, pray faithfully for God to help you to apply them and to bless your efforts. Only with the help of the Holy Spirit can you change, and only by the work of the Spirit will your godly attitudes and actions be perceived as helpful and loving. Pray daily for his help and power.

In following these principles don’t lose sight of your responsibility. God has made you accountable for your children. These principles are to help you exercise this accountability with grace and confidence. You want to bring honor to God in your dealings with grandparents. By God’s grace, old wounds can heal. As far as it depends upon you, "live at peace with all men," especially your parents.

 

 

Grandparents Everyday

In the last post on grandparents we looked at a scenario in which visiting grandparents is an occasional event. That is, perhaps you visit back and forth once or twice a year. This post deals with more frequent contact, such as when grandparents live close by or there is a visit lasting several weeks or more, which means contact on a daily, or nearly daily, basis. The principles we looked at in the post on visiting grandparents also apply here, but it is even more important to have good clear communication lines established when there is regular contact over a longer period of time.

You should still do the four column worksheet mentioned earlier. In addition, you and your spouse must have a clear discussion about where the points of difference lie, at least those that will come up frequently, between your purposes in childrearing and those of the grandparents. One common example is disagreement about how discipline should be applied. This can be especially difficult for grandparents if it is different than what they practiced or different than what they currently believe. They may well take your different practice as an insult to them. Sensitivity is called for. It is important to  talk to your parents respectfully about these differences. In a short visit, it may not be necessary or wise to discuss thoroughly why you do some things differently, but if you and your children have regular contact with your parents, then this discussion is necessary.

In order to have a fruitful, positive discussion with your parents about differences, you must first have good, clear biblical reasons for what you believe and practice. In other words, you must have better reasons than saying that I am not raising my children the way I was raised. If you do not have positive reasons for your parenting practices, conflict is more likely to arise. Ephesians 4:29 applies here. You want to say only those things that are beneficial for building others up so that they may be helped by your words. Here are few ways to help this discussion go smoothly.

First, root your practices in biblical language and principles.  A book like Shepherding a Child’s Heart is a good place to start. Thus, if your parents mention that you are doing something differently, you can say something like – Mom, I know this looks different than what you did, but we are just trying to follow what Ephesians 6:1 says about encouraging our kids to respond right away without a lot of pleading and going back and forth with them. These are principles that we have learned from church and from reading books on biblical parenting. We would be really grateful if you could help us be consistent so that the kids will continue to obey quickly when they are asked to do something.

Second,  Ephesians 6 applies to conversations with your parents. Even if you have chosen a different path than your parents, it is important that you be honorable and respectful toward them. If the situation allows for you to do so honorably, you can tell your parents that it was their desire to take parenting seriously that encouraged you in your present direction. This could be true even if your parents are not Christians. Showing appropriate honor to your parents can make a big difference in how your practices are received.

Third, be confident and pleasant as you discuss these matters with your parents. God has given you the responsibility of raising your children. If you have clear biblical direction for your parenting practices, then you can calmly and confidently affirm those practices.

These are important considerations for handling frequent contact with grandparents. Don’t think that small irritations will get better or go away. Most likely they will get worse over time if you try to gloss over them. Addressing matters straightforwardly and evenly is the way to go. This will usually help reduce stress and make your daily interactions more pleasing to God.

In the next post we will look at how to handle objections that grandparents may have, including those from grandparents who are not Christians.

 

Wisdom from Above

James 3:17 has been the focus of the last few posts. The verse provides a summary of the wisdom that comes from heaven, "wisdom from above." We began with the first three components of this wisdom and then moved to the centerpiece of being open to reason. Now we will focus on the last three components. Here is verse 17, highlighting each of the seven components.

But the wisdom from above is first

pure,

then peaceable,

gentle,

open to reason,

full of mercy and good fruits,

impartial and

sincere.

The fifth component is to be "full of mercy and good fruits." Think about this from the perspective of your children. Do they see a parent who is full of mercy, with a life yielding a growing harvest of the fruits of wisdom? One reason parents have a hard time showing mercy is that they are not fully appreciative of the mercy that has been shown to them. The parable of the unforgiving servant in Matthew 18:21-35 illustrates this point. A man was forgiven an enormous debt—one he could never repay—by his master. Yet when he finds one who owed him, by comparison, just a few dollars, he is unrelenting in his demand for full payment. He had obviously forgotten the mercy shown to him. Parents can be like that. We can forget about the mercy shown to us and concentrate only on the many failings of our children. No, I am not suggesting that you ignore your children’s need for discipline – just the opposite. What I am suggesting is that you discipline from the strength of mercy rather than the weakness of anger. Human wisdom from below tends toward simple justice and retribution. Wisdom from above is about God's justice and mercy, a better way to live, and a call to heed the gospel message. This is the good fruit you want to give your children.

Impartiality means that God’s truth is what matters most. This next component means that, as a parent, you will not be swayed by the emotional ploys of your children or by your own personal preferences. Evenly applying God’s Word to govern the discipline of your children is what makes impartiality possible. That’s right, actually speaking and making direct application of Scripture as you discipline your children is the only way to ensure that you are being truly Christ-like in your parenting. I am not speaking primarily about times of physical discipline. Your preventive, ongoing, daily, verbal discipline (discipling) must also be filled with the wisdom of God’s words. Otherwise your parenting will be driven by your emotions and impulses. You will not be impartial in your actions. Your wisdom will not be from above.

The last component is sincerity, which is closely aligned with the first component of purity. Your wisdom must be sincerely loyal to Christ and his ways. If your wisdom is peppered by notions and conveniences from the world, you will be divided in your parenting. Your loyalty will waver between Christ and the world. Do not fall into that deadly trap! Your loyalty must be focused only and always on bringing the power of the gospel to your children. They must see the difference the gospel makes in this life. Your devotion must be singular in purpose. That is sincerity, and your sincerity must be devoted to Christ. Only then can you be confident of employing the wisdom that comes from above in leading your children.

Wisdom from above is demonstrated by these seven components. It is impossible to determine where one component ends and the next begins. But these are the goals, the principles, that must control your parenting. This section of six verses in James 3 is packed with insight. You will either deploy earthly wisdom or heavenly wisdom as you lead your children. May God lead you to a deepening love for wisdom from above.

 

Open to Reason – for Peace

We have looked at the importance of being open to reason. At this point let's take a quick look at James 3:18, the last verse in the section on wisdom from above. The verse reads:  "And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace." The goal of being open to reason is to make peace. Often in the middle of the confusion of family disturbances, the goal of peace is lost. Instead, winning is substituted as the goal. The opportunity for a harvest of peace is lost. Damage is done.

To underscore the importance of peace and peacemaking, I have selected several passages that speak of peace. This compilation is by no means comprehensive. Not every verse expresses a complete thought, but each verse places a high value on peace. I challenge you to read the whole list through slowly.  As you read, notice how dominant and how wide-ranging the concept of peace is, as employed by the Holy Spirit. Sadly, as I read them, I began to see that many areas of my conversation are lacking with regard to peace. May the peace of God come to you has you read what the Spirit says about his peace. We will return to the rest of James 3:17 in the next post.

Proverbs 3:16-18 

 ¹⁶ Long life is in her right hand;
       in her left hand are riches and honor.

 ¹⁷ Her ways are pleasant ways,
       and all her paths are peace.

 ¹⁸ She is a tree of life to those who embrace her;
       those who lay hold of her will be blessed.

Proverbs 14:30
A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.
Proverbs 16:7
When a man's ways are pleasing to the LORD, he makes even his enemies live at peace with him.

Proverbs 17:1
Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting, with strife.

Matthew 5:9
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.

 John 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
John 16:33
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

 John 20:21
Again Jesus said, "Peace be with you! As the Father has sent me, I am sending you."

Romans 14:17
For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit…

Romans 14:19
Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.

Galatians 1:3
Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ,

Galatians 5:22
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,

Ephesians 2:17
He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near.

Ephesians 4:3
Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.

Philippians 4:7
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Colossians 3:15
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace.

1 Titus 3:1&2
Remind the people to be subject to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready to do whatever is good, ²to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and to show true humility toward all men.

Open to Reason – Part 2

We are looking at the sharp contrast that the book of James makes between two kinds of wisdom , earthly wisdom and wisdom from above. The difference is sharp and distinct. This, of course, has to be the case since the source of earthly wisdom is demonic and the source of wisdom from above is the Holy Spirit. James does not offer a third type of wisdom, wisdom from the middle. It is only one of the two. That means the stakes are high. One type of wisdom leads to war, the other to peace. Read this section in James again in that light.

Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. ¹⁴But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. ¹⁵This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. ¹⁶For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. ¹⁷But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. ¹⁸And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.  James 3:13-18 (ESV)

This passage is the reason I asked you to consider carefully the admonition to be "open to reason" in the last post. The call to be open to reason fits with the challenge that James gives in verse 13. If your desire is to be wise and understanding, then you must show this through a wise spirit of meekness. Too often,  especially when there is conflict with teenagers, parenting comes down to insisting on being right. But you must be more than right. James is just as concerned about being “right” as you are. The difference is that God wants you to show wisdom that is so remarkable it can only be attributed to the work of God. Anyone can argue that he is right. But only a Christian acting in the humility of wisdom from above can demonstrate grace that goes beyond being right. Wisdom from above is the only way to present the grace of the gospel in trying situations. Anyone can be "right" about an issue, while responding with hurt, resentment, or stubbornness in the midst of conflict. But only a Christian, humbly loving Christ more than himself, can put off the resentment and stubbornness, and reach through the hurt to show compassion. Only a Christian clinging to the wisdom that comes from above can be truly open to reason.

Open to Reason

In the middle of the seven components of wisdom from above listed in James 3:17 is the phrase that the ESV translates open to wisdom. Other translations translate the same words as submissive, willing to yield, compliant and reasonable. In any dispute, a charge you will not hear brought against someone is that that person is open to reason. It will be just the opposite; he won’t listen to reason! And yet here it is clearly listed—open to reason.

To be open to reason, you must be both wise and confident. The wise person is comfortable with God’s word. This means that he knows where to go in the Bible for help. He knows that the Bible has everything needed for life and godliness. He knows that a wise man listens first and asks questions later. The one who is open to reason is also confident.The biblical confidence noted here flows from the words in James 1. The double-minded man, the man who asks in doubt, cannot be stable. In contrast, the one who is open to reason welcomes the opportunity to hear from others. He knows where to find answers in his Bible. He is not afraid to hear what others say or want, because he knows God’s Word addresses every issue he might face, and he genuinely wants God's answers more than he wants to prove himself right.

In a dispute, self-protection is often the first instinct. But for the wise man the first thought will be to listen, so that genuine understanding can develop. The wise man isn't compelled to defend himself first. This attitude breaks down barriers rather than erecting them.

Being open to reason is an important component of wisdom from above. Are you open to reason? Would those around you say that you are open to reason? Please give this some serious thought. I’ll finish looking at this key component in the next post.

Pure, Peaceable & Gentle

Wisdom from above. Wisdom from God. What does it look like? This one sentence in James 3:17 lists seven facets of the wisdom that comes from heaven. The first three facets show the radical nature of following God.  Let’s look at them one by one. However, before we start it is only fair to issue a warning to anyone who chooses to read further. Reading—and then implementing wisdom from heaven—will be hazardous to your flesh. It is simply not possible to take these words seriously and continue to live and speak just as you have been doing for years. The change may be painful, but it is the change of putting off what is old and destined for destruction anyway, and putting on that which is new and bound for heaven, where this wisdom originates. If you are not sure that you want the wisdom of heaven to shake up your life and your parenting, then please stop reading now. As Jesus told the Laodiceans, and as James stated in the first part of chapter 1 of his epistle, you can’t have it both ways. It is either God’s wisdom or yours; wanting both will result in a life of misery and doubt. If you want the wisdom from God that this verse speaks of, please listen to the warning James gives:

But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.

Okay, are you ready? Have you asked God for courage to keep going? Good—let’s go for it.

Wisdom from above is, first of all, pure. This means that what is most important is doing what God wants and only what God wants, for his glory and honor. There are no mixed motives . Purity speaks of a heart fully devoted to God and his ways. Your spouse and children must see that your overriding desire is to have a pure, genuine heart that places God first. Your parenting must flow from your love of Christ and not your love of self. If you demonstrate purity, your children will come to see that you are not insisting on obedience because it pleases you, but because it pleases God. 

Next, wisdom from above is peaceable. Think back over the last week. How has your spirit been with your children, with your husband or wife? If your family were asked, would they say you have been deeply committed to peace in your family? Remember, God knows that we are not perfect, so I know that your track record, even for a week, will not be a perfect one. But even so, have you been sufficiently committed to peace that those around you would quickly say that peaceableness has been your goal as you deal with them? If this is painful, remember that I warned you. But don’t stop now. You have asked God for the courage to change. He will be faithful to help you. If you want to practice the wisdom from above you must be about peace – so much so that your family will see and acknowledge it.

The next facet of God’s wisdom is gentleness. True gentleness expresses strength, confidence and power. Biblical gentleness is never a sign of weakness; rather, it is having the wisdom to use only the strength appropriate to the situation. If you commit to bring to your parenting only that which is from God, you will develop a deep confidence in the truth of his Word.  Peace follows, because you know that what you are asking for is what God wants. That is how you become a person of peace even when you are doing battle for God. If there is purity and peace, then there can and must be gentleness. But this is gentleness that indicates a quiet confident strength – you know what God wants and are seeking him for the power to bring honor to him in spite of your own weakness.

It would be easy to write a lengthy post on each of the seven facets of wisdom in James 3:17. Perhaps at a later date, I will. But for now, take a hard, sincere look at godly wisdom. Purity, peace, and gentleness —do these belong to you as a parent? If not, God will powerfully answer your sincere, faithful prayer for this wisdom of his from above. It will change your life.

Next we will look at something that I was afraid of for years as a father of teenagers—I was afraid of being open to reason—not a good attitude, as I came to learn. But more on this in the next post. As always, I look forward to your comments.

Wisdom from Above

The book of James has a lot to say about wisdom. Some have called James the wisdom literature of the New Testament. Early in chapter one the importance of wisdom is underscored by the promise that wisdom will be freely given to those who genuinely ask for it. Certainly, parents need wisdom to faithfully represent God to all of their children. But I believe that perhaps the greatest need for wisdom is when interacting with teenagers. Teenagers seem to appear out of the blue. Yesterday, you had a respectful child who seemed eager to please and thought that most of the things you said and did were wise and wonderful. This morning you woke up and found a stranger living in an older version of the body that used to belong to your child. This person seems to think that very little you do is wonderful. You look at your spouse in disbelief and say, what happened?

Did someone mention wisdom? Well, James 3 talks about wisdom in helpful and explicit ways. And, as a father who has raised 5 teenagers who are now in their 20s, I can also say that James talks about wisdom in ways that can be painful. They were painful for me because my own understanding of wisdom was in need of a drastic overhaul. Verse 17 of this chapter is a description of wisdom from above. The description fits with the style of Old Testament Wisdom literature. There is a list of seven components of wisdom, with the one that is, perhaps, the most crucial right in the middle.

The verse reads this way in the ESV:

But the wisdom from above is first

pure,

then peaceable,

gentle,

open to reason,

full of mercy and good fruits,

impartial and

sincere.

It is more challenging to look at each of the components of wisdom from above separately, as distinct parts that make up a complete, or perfect whole. In just this one description lies a beautiful and powerful picture of godly wisdom.

This series of posts will focus on these seven components and how wisdom from above can improve your relationship with your teenagers for the glory of God. To get started, take a look at the seven items listed above, and then ask yourself how your communication with your teenager compares to wisdom from above.

 

 

 

On the Radio

This Monday, February 2^nd, I have the privilege of doing a live radio interview with Rick Horne, author of Get Outta My Face. You can listen live on the Internet at 1 pm, at this location: http://www.christiantalk660.com Just click on the listen button. It is a call-in program, so call 1-888-660-9535 if you would like to join in. I would love to hear from you.

This book is a needed and helpful addition to the field of dealing with teenagers. Sadly, too many Christian families are plagued by intense and disturbing relations between parents and their teenage children. Rick Horne takes these issues head on and offers targeted help from the rich resources of biblical wisdom literature. Here is an excerpt from his book, demonstrating his sympathetic understanding of the problems and offering hope that things can be dramatically different, by God’s grace.

The testimony of Scripture is that our words make a difference: changing people and situations. In fact, Proverbs 18 asserts that our words tend to move things in one of two directions:

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit” (v. 21).

Our words to angry or unmotivated teens are no exception. What we speak can encourage or discourage, energize or dishearten. How we speak to our teens and what we say can exasperate and infuriate, or communicate hope and anticipation. Truly, our words tend to influence our hearers toward the most radical of extremes: either death or life.

Of course, we want life for our teens. Proverbs 15:4 tells us how we can help move our teens in that direction, “A gentle tongue is a tree of life.” Bracketing the Bible with its appearances in Genesis and Revelation is the ultimate “tree of life.” Rightly used, it brings health and healing to broken people. The LCLP process shows you how to bring a gentle tongue to your every conversation with angry, unmotivated young adults, thus pointing them toward life.

Wise, gentle speech can whet your teen’s appetite with hope that things in his or her broken world can change for the better. Pray that your Father will use the biblical principles that underlie listening big, clarifying narrow, looking wide, and planning small to usher in that kind of hope. By God’s grace let your words produce, not merely changes in your teen’s outward behavior, but, as Part III will show, changes in the heart, wherein lie the “springs of life” (Proverbs 4:23).

This is an example of the wise, compassionate counsel that you will receive from Rick Horne. Why not take time to listen to the interview today? You can purchase the book here.

We will return to the topic of gaming in the next post.