To Say the Right Thing

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother's womb.

 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.

 My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place.
    When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

 your eyes saw my unformed body.
    All the days ordained for me
    were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.

 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
    How vast is the sum of them! Psalm 139:13-17

I read the following comment on a blog that was posted yesterday, January 27. It was written by a mom hurting from a cruel, nasty comment made to her daughter because of a prominent birthmark.

The girl on the bus pointed at her birthmark--the one just below her left eye--and told her she looked stupid.

The soft confession came from my little girl, who was staring at the floor. A groan escaped me and I grabbed my daughter close. And I did exactly what I shouldn't have: I cried. Will it get easier to be strong? Will it get easier to say the right thing in response to pain?

Perhaps these words may bring comfort to this mother and her daughter.

A birthmark, curly hair, freckles, gangly arms, large feet—these are all things that may seem out of place, less than perfect. Why? Because they may not match someone’s stereotype of a human body. In a culture that features Barbie dolls and makeovers of all kinds, “different” is often equated with “not good.” Children are particularly adept in pointing out things that are different. Children are also born with the capacity and even the desire to hurt others. It comes naturally (Galatians 5:19-21). So, to answer this young mom, cruelty is always hard to experience, especially when you see it directed toward your child. However, there are several important truths to consider that will help you and your child respond well to such hurtful comments.

The first matter to clear up is the cause of the cruelty. This cruel response was not caused by the birthmark, but by the sinfulness of the girl on the bus. The birthmark is not the reason for the cruelty, even though it is the occasion of the cruelty.

Let’s not accept the assessment of the unkind bus mate over the teaching of God’s word. Psalm 139 expresses God’s intimate involvement in the shaping of our physical bodies, and then includes a prayer of gratitude for the way that we are made. The psalmist says God knit him together in his mother’s womb according to God’s own thoughts—so he rejoices because he is fearfully and wonderfully made. The psalm clearly indicates that God gave careful thought to how he made the psalmist’s body. These thoughts of God then became a source of wonder and awe. And remember, David did not write this psalm only for himself. It was written for a choir, to be sung as an encouragement to all of God’s people—of various shapes, sizes, proportions, and, yes, birthmarks. None of us is the product of random chance, and that includes the way we look. This birthmark was God’s particular choice for this girl. It may be different than most, but it is God’s choice. So there is nothing cruel about the birthmark. The only cruelty comes from a foolish child who is, in effect, calling God stupid, as the girl on the bus did.

The next matter to consider is God’s purpose. Why did he give this beautiful little girl a birthmark? We don’t know the details, of course, but we do know principles that certainly apply. We know from James 1:2-4 that trials are given to test our faith and produce steadfastness. Just as a test in school motivates a student to learn and then reveals his progress, so a trial in life provides an opportunity for growth in grace, and then reveals progress in godliness.

James 1:2-4  Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

Finally, remember that “for those who love God all things work together for good.” Who knows how many ways God might use this birthmark for good? How many times might God use the godly, faithful response of a child to instruct and bless others?  And what a blessing could it be for a child to learn at an early age to trust and love the God who made her, and to overcome evil with good?

I would encourage this mom to rejoice in these words of the psalmist, the apostle Paul, and James; then, in turn, to help her daughter rejoice. Yes, God gave her daughter a distinctive birthmark. He did it on purpose, and it can be responded to with awe and wonder. The sadness in this situation is greater for the little girl who, perhaps unwittingly, is saying that God did a stupid thing. To make fun of what God has done is not wise.

The birthmark is a gift of God to this girl. She has not been cursed, but blessed. If a child asks her about the birthmark she can say, “I don’t know why I have this mark. But I do know that God wanted me to have it. It is special to me.“ For the daughter to embrace this powerful expression of God’s purpose in her life, this little girl’s mother must believe it first. Over time, as both mother and daughter look at reality from the perspective of Psalm 139, doubt will turn to joy. This little girl is indeed fearfully and wonderfully made!

I pray this will be an encouragement to this mom and her daughter. Thanks to Tim Challies for pointing out to me this mother’s post. We will return to the current series with the next post.

Comments

[Kristen Schwark]

It made me cry to read that post. I haven't had to deal with any cruelty towards my own children as they are still quite small. I wondered in the back of my mind what I would say to them. This was such a beautiful, biblical answer. I really appreciate you taking the time to address an issue that is probably bound to come up for every parent and child.

[Susanna]

What a beautiful response to a very difficult situation! I especially love these lines:

"If a child asks her about the birthmark she can say, “I don’t know why I have this mark. But I do know that God wanted me to have it. It is special to me."

Thank you!