Good Question

Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4

Comment from Rob:
I appreciate your ministry. Thanks for calling on Dads to be Dads. I have a question regarding discipline. I come from a family that has severely strained relationships on all fronts. Mom vs. Dad, kids vs. parents, everyone vs. everyone. When I came to Christ my relationships improved, but the strain is still there and my wife and I are working on that. This strain is what makes the following situation difficult. We have a 19 month old son and when we visit my parents, he needs to be corrected. Correcting him is no problem for my wife and me, but my mom will yell at him sometimes over us while we are correcting him, or before we can get there to correct. She also will grab him and say "Bad Boy" before we can get there. I love my mom and to her credit my brother and his girlfriend have let her discipline their kids (12 and 8), so this is how it works for them. I am not comfortable with the situation. I think discipline needs to fall in my court when I am around. She should just enjoy being a Grandma. The reason I haven't said anything to her is because of the strained relationships and the fact that my brother has set a kind of norm for how Grandma acts. How can I deal with this situation in love and not offend needlessly? My mom is in a Bible Study with us...I want her to meet Jesus. Any help or resources I can look into would be greatly appreciated.

Rob, thanks for your comment, question and encouragement. You are correct when you say discipline is the responsibility of the parents, particularly the father. You are also right in not wanting to offend unnecessarily. I would suggest you start by having a conversation with your mom explaining that you want to use the Bible as your guide in raising your son, and that means you have a particular way you want to handle discipline.  You could mention that you realize your approach is different from your brother's, and that is a bit awkward for you.  Assure her that you appreciate her desire to help, and acknowledge her years of parenting experience, but lovingly tell her that you believe it is your God-given responsibility to discipline your children.

Your son is getting strongly mixed messages about his behavior. This is not a good thing for him. You can appeal to her that it is not good for children to have radically different methods of discipline applied to them. You can tell her that this is part of what it means to be a Christian parent. Your words to her should be gentle, but firm and clear. If you are uneasy or abrupt in the way you tell her, then you will be giving her a mixed message. You want to follow the model of Proverbs 16:20-24 and use pleasant, respectful words with you speak to your mom about this. Being pleasant, clear, respectful, and gentle with her may  defuse concerns she may have. Speak to her privately, before any occasion where she would “jump in” happens. She probably thinks she  is helping you; remember, it's hard for your mother to stop “mothering” you by showing you how to be a parent. But what you can say is that God, in the Bible, has given this responsibility to you. Then, when you are with her it would be wise to stay in close proximity to your son, just in case she acts out of habit.

It is also possible that she may not respond well to your request. If this happens, reassure her of your appreciation for her, but remind her that before God this is a responsibility that you must retain. If she refuses to honor your request, then you may have to limit her exposure to your child. Lord willing, it won’t come to that. If you and your wife are gentle, appreciative, and firm, and if you stay close to your son when you are with your mom, then things may work out just fine. Of course, you want to pray and ask God to bless your efforts to talk with your mom about this subject. Your demeanor can make a world of difference. This may also be a good testimony to your brother. By honoring God in this way, you will also help her to see what it means to follow Christ. This may actually drawer her closer to coming to Christ than if you allow things to go on as they are.  Let me know how it works out

Comments

[Rob]

Wow. That was not easy. I do not see myself as a momma's boy, or conflict avoiding, but this situation showed me that I'm no John Wayne.
I think I found excuses not to follow through with what I knew I should do and what made sense to do for about a month.
First, I noticed that when I was there I would just relax and really not watch my son. My wife and I started to be a little more watchful and preventive in our approach with him while not at home. But, this was not the solution and I knew it.
Finally, I talked to my mom about discipline. We talked about how when my wife or I are there that we would appreciate it if she let us do the discipline. She was defensive at first, but I told her that she didn't have to be the bad guy when we were around - she could just enjoy being Grandma and let us take on discipline.
She has not completely backed off, but she seems to look to see what we will do first. Still, at times, she will step in, but backs off once she sees what she is doing.
Old habits die hard. I am praying that she will see her impatience as sin...this might be what pushes her to the Savior. I am also praying for the next talk about how she does discipline; I don't expect it to be easy, but I am looking forward to seeing God work.
Thank you for encouraging me in this direction!

[Jay Younts]

Rob,
Thanks for getting back! May God richly bless your faithfulness to him. Thanks, too, for encouraging others- the issues you are facing are by no means unique to you and your family. Blessings to you. Jay