It’s Not Natural

For wisdom will enter your heart,
  and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul. Proverbs 2:10

The wise in heart are called discerning,
  and pleasant words promote instruction. Proverbs 16:21

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother—which is the first commandment with a promise— that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth. Ephesians 6:1-3

This is the final post in this series about pleasant words and communicating the Gospel. I am also responding to comments left by Shannon and Ann. Thank you both for sending them.

In the last post I focused on the futility of attempting to reason with young children without first establishing the foundation of God’s authority. A child’s ultimate well being on planet Earth is directly connected to his attitude towards God’s authority. In other words, through repentance and faith in Christ, he must joyfully submit to God in every area of life.

Is this even possible for children? Yes, it is, just as much as it is possible for adults—which is to say, very imperfectly!

Submission is not the natural state of children (or adults). Children naturally do things to please themselves. Pleasing self makes sense to them. It is reasonable. But parents are charged by God to challenge this natural selfishness (Ephesians 6:4). As Ann indicated in her comment, this is not a simple thing; it is difficult. You are engaged in serious combat for the souls of your children from the day they are born, and the battle is not easy. That is why conflict arises when you teach your children what God requires of them. Training children is hand-to-hand spiritual warfare. But this war is not conducted with fleshly weapons like manipulation and force of will. This battle is conducted with the weapons of the Spirit – pleasant words and the rod.

That is why the knowledge of God must be pleasant to your soul. As parents it is pleasant that God has given you the way to lead your children from their natural state of self-centeredness. You have the word of God to give your children. This word that teaches that Jesus is the way, the truth and the life. With this knowledge you can lead your children from death to life. What an awesome responsibility we have as parents! This knowledge of Christ is pleasant to our souls. When the fatigue of daily parenting battles threatens to overwhelm us, this reality drives us forward.

This age range of 0-5 is the time to firmly establish that your children are accountable to God. It is his world and they are here to serve him and not themselves. As I mentioned in the last post, sometimes parents believe that they can reason their children into obedience. The problem is that the child sees things from his own reasonable perspective and he thus he reasons that he should have what he wants. Others make the mistake of thinking that they can spank their children into obeying God. By itself, spanking will not yield long-term biblical fruit. It is the combination of pleasant words and the rod that will bring biblical results. The tendency of too many parents is to attempt to reason first, then challenge and then scold and finally to spank. This pattern only leads to exhausted parents, unhappy children, and endless frustration.

Okay, so what does the biblical pattern look like?

In these early years God’s authority must be firmly established. It is the combination of the rod and pleasant words that makes the difference. I would again refer you to the material in Shepherding a Child’s Heart to give the biblical practice of using the rod in a way that is honoring to God. Let’s revisit the scenario with Heather and her refusal to give up her doll. Please note carefully the clarity of Mom’s direction.

“Heather, I would like you to let your sister play with the doll for a while. Please find another toy to play with. You will be able to play with the doll again later.”

Notice that Heather has been given only one option. Mom’s directions are clear. Her tone is pleasant, but firm. The choice is not Heather’s, but Mom’s. This addresses some of the questions that Shannon raised. Young children will not naturally submit to God and serve others. Therefore, Heather is told that she must give the doll to her sister. For her to do otherwise is direct disobedience to Mom and, therefore, to God. Remember, there is not an exception clause to Ephesians 6:1 that says for children obey your parents, unless it means giving up your favorite toy. Do not expect a 2, 3 or 4 year old to decide to do the unselfish act on her own. God gave them parents to teach and instruct what is right.

Someone might be saying, ”So you are going to discipline this child because she wanted to keep her doll?” No, Heather must be disciplined because she disobeyed Mom and, therefore, disobeyed God. This is why parents must give careful thought to their instruction. Attempting to avoid confrontation with children by giving indirect or vague instruction will only lead to frustration. The short directive given to Heather puts the issue clearly on the table. If Heather challenges Mom or is overly reluctant to give up the toy, then discipline is appropriate. Remember, this is not about Heather and her mom. It is about Heather and God, and about Heather learning that she must be accountable to God in this world. That is why your instruction must be clear and direct. I realize that this approach invites confrontation, but the reality is that the confrontation will come anyway, so it might as well be on your terms.

Trying to avoid conflict only leads to frustration; you can often manipulate children into doing what you want, but that only postpones the loving confrontation that is needed.  You have a biblical message to give to your children. The message must be delivered clearly, compassionately, pleasantly, and authoritatively. It is literally a message of life and death. Sometimes we comfort ourselves by thinking that we have many years to train our children and talk to them about God. But the reality is that we don’t know how long we have—and your children need to know the blessings of obedience and submission to Christ at the earliest possible age.

If your children learn quickly that you, as a parent, are unwilling to disobey God and let your children do what they want, it will be a great blessing to them and to you. The stakes are high. As Deuteronomy 30 says, you are laying life and death before your children. Giving them too many choices will only slow the process of them realizing that they are accountable to God.

So, with young children, establishing God’s authority must be paramount. It is the kindest and most pleasant thing you can do for children. I am sure that at least some of you have some thoughts or questions. I’d love to hear from you.

The material on pleasant words is drawn from pages 172-175 in Instructing a Child’s Heart and from Chapter 4 of Everyday Talk.

 

Comments

[Berta]

I agree with Ann that it is really hard to remain pleasant after a long day of seemingly endless issues. One of the biggest challenges for me is that my days have a lot of planned activities and I often find myself unable to spend the time on disciplinary situations that is needed and also fulfill the other obligations that I have. I end up thinking that I have failed to keep the main thing the main thing. Yet this is the reality for us more days than not.

[bigcubsfan]

Wisdom from above. Thanks Mr. Tripp for keeping up your blog. I needed this post today.

[Heather]

You mention that "Heather has been given only one option". Is it ever appropriate to offer a choice? For instance, "Honey, you can either give the train to your brother and find another toy, or you can play with the train with him." Or should these options be explained at a point when there is *not* a squabble going on (i.e. "here are some ways you can share and act kindly in the future")?

This may seem like a tiny little detail to be asking about, but I'm trying to fit this with your response to my comment earlier (your response was in "It's Not Fair - Part Two"). Plus I seem to need a lot of remedial help in this arena of child rearing. :-)