It’s Not Natural – part 2

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Ephesians 6:1

It seems that there is actually one more post in this series of communicating the Gospel to your children. Heather, one of our readers, raised an important question about the last post. Here is her comment:

You mention that "Heather has been given only one option." Is it ever appropriate to offer a choice? For instance, "Honey, you can either give the train to your brother and find another toy, or you can play with the train with him." Or should these options be explained at a point when there is “not” a squabble going on (i.e. "here are some ways you can share and act kindly in the future")?

Let’s look carefully at what Heather, the 4-year-old daughter is being asked to do. Remember, in this scenario, Mom knows that her daughter is struggling with giving up the toy. So Mom enters the situation to put things on course. My point in the previous post was to say that clear, unambiguous direction is needed. In the question posed above, this child is asked to make a choice between giving the toy up completely and playing with the toy along her younger sibling. In short, the older daughter is being asked to make a challenging ethical decision when her own motives are already conflicted—a choice that requires wisdom and skill. Mom is trying to train her daughter to be kind and think of her younger sibling first. Mom wants her to put her brother’s needs before her own. Adults often stumble over this one.

I recall seeing my own children attempt to keep on playing with a toy by saying that they will play with the toy together with their younger brother or sister. They knew that preferring others was the goal. However, the offer to share actually meant that they would keep playing while the younger one would  watch. This, of course, did not go over well with the younger one, who was supposed to be content with the opportunity to watch the older one play.

Wisdom is a skill to be learned. Making wise choices that prefer others over our own desires is one of the most challenging parts of life; wisdom requires us to deny ourselves and choose God’s way. When you give options to young children, they will by nature tend to choose the one that pleases them. In fact, isn’t this the very reason that we think we need to give them a choice? Making a choice gives us a sense that they are in control—that they can have what they want. We think, “If they get to choose something, they’ll think they’re getting their own way, and they won’t whine and complain.” But having to submit to mom’s direction takes away that sense of self-determination.  Human nature immediately rebels, saying, “No! I want to choose for myself!” And isn’t it the essence of sin to want our own way instead of God’s way?

The time for making choices comes soon enough. Be aware of your ultimate goal: To train your children to make wise choices that honor God. Be aware of the knowledge, attitudes, and skills they must acquire to do so. During the ages of 0 to 5 you want to provide them with a solid foundation of wisdom and authority so that they will be prepared to make those choices as they become older. During those years you must train them to think of others first. These years require constant, vigilant parenting. By God’s grace, you are working to set a course for the rest of your child’s life, a course that is opposite to their natural inclination. It’s wiser to wait until this foundation is well laid before giving children the responsibility of choices and decision making. Generally, this  would come in the 5-12 year-old range.

Young children need clear direction. They need to understand that they are accountable to God. This direction should be well-informed. For Mom to give wise direction, she must be aware of the different personalities of her children. She should factor in things like fatigue and health of the children. She will be aware of the nature of previous squabbles. She should be alert that the younger child may be taking advantage of appearing to be the smaller, helpless victim, or that the older child may be lording it over her sibling. All of these things and more will factor into the direction that Mom gives. But in the end, the kindest thing for the child is to be given clear, confident and pleasant instruction. This is what will lead to wisdom in the children as they grow. Early on in life the most important thing to grasp is that God is in charge; it is his world.

Am I saying that you should never give your child a choice before age 5? No. A principle is not a rule; you always have to work to apply principles with wisdom and discernment. The principle is that submission to God must be learned first, before a child will make unselfish choices. As the parent, you are in the best position to evaluate your child’s progress, and you must apply the principles.

I am saying that you should be aware of what is involved in giving choices. If you are simply giving your child a way to preserve her perception of independence and avoid the humility of submission, then giving choices is not wise. On the other hand, if you think your child genuinely has a good attitude and is struggling to work with a difficult sibling, you might help her work out a problem by offering a couple of options.

Please let me know if this addresses the concern raised by the question Heather asked. Thanks again, to all of you for your participation in this blog! Your thoughts and comments are valuable and appreciated.