Why?

19 Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, 20 idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, 21 envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these… Galatians 5:19-21

1 And you were dead in the trespasses and sins 2 in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— 3 among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. Ephesians 2:1-3

Let’s consider one basic question regarding the issue of protecting our children from the entrapment of the world: Why? As in Why do they want to sin? Why can’t they see that it is more blessed to give than to receive? Why can’t they see that they don’t always have to be first? Why can’t teenagers see that sexual sin is wrong, always wrong? Why can’t they see that parents must be obeyed? The answer, of course, should not really be a mystery.

How did children begin their lives? Many would have us think that our children begin life neutrally with regard to obedience. It is easy to think that if I, as a parent, would be more patient and kind my children would respond more quickly to my instructions. While it is true that parents should be patient and kind, that by itself will not help children to be more obedient. The problem goes much deeper than that. The two passages quoted at the top of this post state the problem powerfully.

These two passages describe both the actions and the motivation of children. Children sin because it is what they deeply desire from birth. It takes faith to look at an infant and then believe that Galatians 5 describes the things that he wants to do naturally. It takes trust in God’s word to believe that your child’s natural motivation is to indulge his fleshly passions and follow the ways of the Evil One. Yet this is precisely what these two passages teach. No amount of kindness, gentleness and evenness on the part of parents will dislodge the natural passion in children to live for themselves and gratify their flesh. Only a new heart can make that difference.

Tim Challies has a helpful and insightful post on his thoughts about his children’s sin. He rightly compares his own battle with sin to his children’s:

But I’m like a kid. I like that sin and I hate the authority that places itself over me and tells me to let that sin go. I roll my eyes, I grind my teeth, and I feel my heart rebel. In my heart I tell God that I’d rather sin than obey Him; I effectively tell Him that right now I’d rather have my sin than have Him. This sin is more important to me than my relationship with the Creator of the universe. Oh, I love that sin so much.

Tim’s honest assessment of his own affection for sin puts the cards on the table. I believe that he provides an accurate picture of what goes into a child’s thinking when he refuses to obey. I am humbled by Tim’s honesty and transparency. I am also grateful because I believe his words give you a glimpse into the heart of children struggling with obedience and wanting what they want.

You see, being even and kind to a child dominated by these thoughts will not make a dent in the real issue. That is why your focus in parenting must be directed at the heart. As a Christian parent trying to lead your child to Christ you are, in effect, interrupting a love affair between a child and his natural passions. Children are by nature focused on what they want. What they naturally want is not pretty! Look at Galatians 5:19-21 again. When you tell your child he should share his toys, you are challenging a deep, passionate desire for self-gratification. As parents we think, it is just a toy truck, what’s the big deal? The big deal is that your child is naturally controlled by the desire to please himself. That toy truck is his connection with happiness and you want to take it from him! No wonder there is such a negative reaction when you tell him to give it up.

This is why only the gospel and the word of Christ can help your children. The word of God must be deeply valued in the hearts of our children. Tim’s comments provide some background to the truth of Proverbs 6:20-24 that we have been examining in the last several posts. Tim also demonstrates a parent’s biblical response to his child’s natural love for sin when he recognizes the similarity between himself and his child:

So I guess I’m not too different from my children. The remedy they need is the same one I need. Like me, they need to see that authority is given to us as a gracious gift from God. They need to learn to honor authority and to see it as something given to restrain us rather than annoy us. And they need to honor that authority and to obey it joyfully, willingly, immediately and with a joyful heart. This is what I need to do with my sin—I need to hear and heed God’s Word. And this is what they need to do with their sin—hear and heed my words as I seek to teach them what God would have them do.

This is the point of Proverbs 6:22 when it speaks of how the word of God is to live within us.

When you walk, they will guide you;
When you sleep, they will watch over you;
When you awake, they will speak to you.

You and your children have the same issues. The answers to those issues are the same for each of you. Hearts must be directed to Christ and his word. Sin needs to be seen for what it is. The next time you wonder why your children don’t respond well to your direction, think about what is really going on inside. Consider the battles of the heart. Consider the hope that Christ alone offers. Urge your children, as Solomon did, to bind the words of Christ upon their hearts forever.

A special word of thanks to Tim Challies for his openness; I pray that his words will help spur God’s people on to love and good works. As always, your comments and thoughts are welcome.

 

Comments

[Dan Delavan]

Jay, you said:

"You and your children have the same issues. The answers to those issues are the same for each of you. Hearts must be directed to Christ and his word. Sin needs to be seen for what it is. The next time you wonder why your children don’t respond well to your direction, think about what is really going on inside."

I'm having "flashbacks" to 7 years ago when Lou Priolo "lured me in" with his book "Heart of Anger." The first chapter described my child, and the second took me to the woodshed for WHO I WAS.

Between "Shepherding" and "Age of Opportunity" and "Case for Kids" and Biblical insights from people like Lou Priolo and others, I have had to spend a lot of time on the edge of my kid's beds describing how I have failed God and them; BEFORE I have been able to get to the point of showing them how they have failed God and me.

Jay, thank you for being a part of that whole process of encouragement and growth.

My general question is: "How do we now help other parents to come to this place of blessing in their lives, as they look in the mirror before, and as, they train their children?"

[Jay Younts]

Dan, Thank you for your encouragement. Your question: How do we now help other parents to come to this place of blessing in their lives, as they look in the mirror before, and as, they train their children?
In general, you do want to encourage those whom you know to take the directives in Deuteronomy 6 seriously and practically. You want to be an example to them in your family life and develop a relationship with them so that they will be exposed to this type of family interaction. Beyond that, pray for and support the mission of those who have material in public arena that support the biblical framework for families. Addressing this goal is why Shepherd Press exists. Point folks to the products we offer, this blog and other places that you believe share this vision. Prayer and loving exhortation to others are things that we can all embrace for God’s glory.