The Shepherd Press Blog

Authority for building up

He who answers before listening—
       that is his folly and his shame. Proverbs 18:13

This post is directed to husbands and fathers. However, wives and moms are free to read as well. You may even want to forward this post to your husbands.

Men, God has charged us with leading our families. The biblical basis for our leadership is found in such passages as Eph. 5:25-33 and Eph. 6:4. This leadership is an awesome responsibility. We are to represent Christ to our wives and children. In 2 Cor. 13:10 we learn that biblical leadership is to have the focus of building others up and not tearing them down. Paul says in Ephesians 4:29 that our words are rotten if they don’t build others up.  Each of us can think of examples of leadership that are not especially building or encouraging. Perhaps our fathers appeared to tear us down more than they built us up. Perhaps you have had a supervisor who led by intimidation. God, however, has called us to be different than that. Our leadership is to build up those under our care. We are to lead with understanding and compassion. Thankfully, God has given us specific directions in his word to help us be leaders who build others up. In this post we will look at one of these directives – not to answer without listening.

The Fear of the Lord and Worldview

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge,
  but fools despise wisdom and discipline. Proverbs 1:7

The cornerstone of a biblical worldview must be the fear of the Lord. Understanding how this world really works is impossible without the fear of the Lord. Recall the definition of worldview from the last post: the overall perspective from which one sees and interprets the world. If your children interpret their world without the fear of the Lord they will never be wise. Practically speaking, this means that the observations and conclusions that they draw from their experiences will be flawed. If the fear of the Lord is absent, love of self will dominate a child’s life. His choices will be driven by what he thinks is best for him. The food he wants, the toys he desires, the friends he longs—all will be controlled by self-love if the fear of God is missing. Modern culture has relegated God to the role of an appetizer in the menu of life. He is optional, but certainly not required for enjoyment of life’s entrees. To extend the metaphor, the entrees our world craves are the ones that satisfy love of self. As Solomon says, fools despise wisdom and discipline.

Using the Psalms to Build Worldview

Many are asking, "Who can show us any good?"
  Let the light of your face shine upon us, O LORD.

You have filled my heart with greater joy
  than when their grain and new wine abound. Psalm 4:6&7

Several recent posts addressed the concept of worldview and children. The American Heritage Dictionary defines worldview this way: The overall perspective from which one sees and interprets the world. Do you see why teaching about worldview is an important part of parenting? Your children are born interpreting their world from a fatally flawed perspective (Eph.2:1-3). Your job is to teach them a worldview that sees reality from God’s perspective. One way to build this biblical worldview is to use the Psalms creatively to address the issues your children struggle with. But I can hear the response—“Okay, that’s a nice idea; how do I do it?”

 

 

Why do you read parenting books?

Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you;
  rebuke a wise man and he will love you.

Instruct a wise man and he will be wiser still;
  teach a righteous man and he will add to his learning.

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom,
  and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding. Proverbs 9:8-10

The obvious answer to this question is “to become a better parent.” But will the book you are reading really help you? Processing the information that you read is a challenge. Do you come away from the book with questions about application? Do you wonder if it is really biblical and helpful? Sometimes you may be more perplexed about parenting issues when you finish a book than before you started it. Each book seems to offer a different slant or teaching. How do you sort these things out?

The answer lies in why you read. If you read just to gather information or to gain additional perspectives, over time you will most likely become less confident about parenting, because no two books are alike.

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Criticism – Something to Value

11 My son, do not despise the LORD's discipline
  and do not resent his rebuke,

12 because the LORD disciplines those he loves,
  as a father the son he delights in. Proverbs 3:11-12

Criticism would make few top 10 lists of favorite gifts. While the Proverbs don’t use the term criticism, there are many passages that talk about receiving a rebuke. Almost surprisingly, the Proverbs teach that receiving a rebuke is often a good thing. Chapter 9 goes so far as to say that a wise man will love you if you rebuke him (9:8). Since the Garden, our natural tendency is to avoid blame and shift responsibility to others when our actions are challenged. It is easy to think we have been unfairly assessed. Yet if we do not welcome rebuke (criticism), we are not acting wisely.

A significant part of parenting  is about building up people—your children (2 Cor. 13:10b). If we are honest before God, we must acknowledge that the person we see in the mirror has many flaws and weaknesses that make it difficult for our children to follow our direction.  In fact, it is truly amazing that anyone would want to follow our direction! This is a why a wise man loves a rebuke. He knows he needs help. He also knows that God is committed to providing this help. That is the point of Proverbs 3:11-12. If we bristle at the rebuke of others we will also bristle at the rebuke of God.

 

Preparing Your Children for Criticism

Like a coating of glaze over earthenware
       are fervent lips with an evil heart. Proverbs 6:23

A lying tongue hates those it hurts,
       and a flattering mouth works ruin. Proverbs 6:28

Let another praise you, and not your own mouth;
       someone else, and not your own lips. Proverbs 27:2

Wounds from a friend can be trusted,
       but an enemy multiplies kisses. Proverbs 27:6

The section of Proverbs from   6:23 - 27:6 has some profound things to say about receiving criticism. One theme of this passage is to warn against living for the praise of others. 

The wise man (including the wise child) is motivated by the fear of God and the pursuit of wisdom (Proverbs 1;7; 3:11-18). When we are motivated by the praise of others we lose the ability to be biblically objective. This is an important lesson for children to grasp. A little boy who craves praise may well grow into a husband who will be angry or disappointed when he receives criticism. The same child may become discouraged and even depressed when he believes he is not being appreciated. Here is the warning:  if you live for praise your life will not be productive. Let’s see how these four verses illustrate this.

Like a coating of glaze over earthenware
       are fervent lips with an evil heart. (Proverbs 6:23)

The glaze over a piece of earthenware may conceal some inward flaws. This analogy shows that fervent lips (smooth lips) conceal an evil heart. Don’t trust smooth sounding praises; they often cover an evil intent.

A lying tongue hates those it hurts,
       and a flattering mouth works ruin. (Proverbs 6:28)

In this proverb flattery is likened to a lying tongue. Don’t trust flattery. Flattery brings disaster upon those who listen to it as well upon the flatterer. Older children will often attempt to manipulate younger children by using flattery. It is a kindness to prepare your children for this eventuality of life.

Let another praise you, and not your own mouth;
       someone else, and not your own lips. (Proverbs 27:2)

This proverb instructs the wise man to not seek praise from those close to him. Both Bruce Waltke and Tremper Longman, in their respective commentaries on Proverbs, translate this verse:

Let a stranger and not your own mouth praise you, an outsider and not your own lips.

It is not a good thing to be constantly looking for praise. It is too easy for us to drop hints that we would really like some appreciation for our efforts. When you hear something like, “Mommy, it took me all day and I had to give up what I really wanted to do, but I just wanted to do this for you anyway,” you are hearing a child preoccupied with praise. The use of the word stranger indicates that if a man really is focused on honoring God, even a stranger will hear of his wisdom and bring praise when it is least expected. There is no need to prompt others to herald our praises.

• You shouldn’t trust the lying tongue of flattery, but you should “let another praise you and not your own mouth.” How do you distinguish between flattery and legitimate praise?

Wounds from a friend can be trusted,
       but an enemy multiplies kisses. (Proverbs 27:6)

This last proverb sums it up. Although we can’t trust the flattery and praise of others, we should trust the hard things we hear. For example, if children are to be growing to wisdom and maturity they must learn to welcome the difficult things they need to hear—the wounds from a friend. If a child is looking for praise he will not welcome his friend’s criticism. But constructive criticism (even when it hurts) that comes from parents and friends is to be welcomed. Why? Because a child who is motivated by the fear of the Lord and the pursuit of wisdom will rejoice at information that will make him a better son. 

So there is no need to fear the criticism of others. Because the wise man is dominated by his love of God and wisdom he takes every opportunity to grow in these areas.  How valuable are the wounds of a friend to you and to your children? Such wounds are gifts from God.

• Does your child  have friends who give him “faithful wounds”? Do you? How do you respond when a friend gives you such a wound? Does your reaction discourage her from ever doing it again? What are your      children learning from your responses to faithful wounds?
• Are you a friend who is willing to give loving wounds? If not, what holds you back? This is also an important lesson to impart to your kids.

Let me know your thoughts on receiving criticism.

Worldview Summary

When I was a boy in my father's house,
  still tender, and an only child of my mother,

he taught me and said,
  "Lay hold of my words with all your heart;
  keep my commands and you will live.

Get wisdom, get understanding;
  do not forget my words or swerve from them.

Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you;
  love her, and she will watch over you. Proverbs 4:3-6

The past three blogs have looked at the issue of worldview and young children. In chapter 4 of Proverbs, Solomon gives a compelling worldview—the ultimate reality check. Two powerful directives frame his worldview. The first directive, in verse 4, says, “…with all of your heart keep my commands and you will live.” The second directive teaches that if the child embraces and loves wisdom, he will be protected. Life and protection—two promises that will become the foundation of a young child’s life.

Toddlers, Futile Thinking and the Gospel

So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking.  Eph. 4:17

But the way of the wicked is like deep darkness;
       they do not know what makes them stumble. Proverbs 4:19

Another consequence of children’s natural worldview is futile thinking. Often parents say things like, why can’t children just do what the Bible says, can’t they see it is for their own good? The answer is – no they can’t see that. Ephesians describes the thinking of those who don’t know God as futile. This fits closely with the description of the wicked in Proverbs 4:19. Those without Christ live in darkness; they don’t know that their very thoughts are deceiving them. A young child thinks he will be happy if he has a certain toy, but when he acquires it, his happiness last only for a moment. He thinks if he gets want he wants he will be content. Yet the reality is that getting what he wants does not lead to contentment, but only to a stronger desire for more things. This is what Ephesians is describing as futile, dark thinking.

toddlers and worldview part 2

Doing what comes naturally

17So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. 18They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. 19Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more.  Eph. 4:17-19

This passage is seldom applied to child-training and to toddlers. However, there is much to learn from Paul’s words regarding training children. This passage illustrates what happens when children are not brought up in the fear and admonition of the Lord. (Eph. 6:4) This passage is a road map showing the way children will grow if left to their own choices. Thinking that is not biblical is futile thinking. One reason that young children are often unhappy for no apparent reason is that their thinking is futile. Life doesn’t make sense because from the child’s world view, he should have what he wants. If he can’t have what he wants life is unfair. It may seem difficult to think of a young child having a hard heart. Yet think about the last time your child threw a temper tantrum. How soft was his heart then?

toddlers and worldview

Toddlers and worldview are not concepts that appear to be compatible at first glance. The image of a 3–year-old sitting down at a computer to type a paper on worldview evokes humor, not reality. However, a toddler does have a worldview. It may be limited, but it is a worldview nonetheless. This worldview is expressed in statements like  – I’m thirsty, he took my toy, I want a cookie, I’m tired, I’m hungry, I don’t want to. Do you see a pattern here? A toddler’s worldview tends to begin and end with him. This is not surprising given that we all start life gratifying the cravings of our flesh (Eph. 2:3). Left unchecked this limited, self-centered worldview will produce a teenager whose life is still centered upon himself.

This is why God calls parents in Deuteronomy 6 to teach their children that God is to dominate their worldview.